


Save Me

by Thunderbird83



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 05:39:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18804835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thunderbird83/pseuds/Thunderbird83
Summary: Summary: A friend of the band Queen becomes depressed but her friends don’t notice it much. Deacy suspects something’s going on but doesn’t say anything. Later on while coping with her depression she becomes sick and has to decide if she wants to live or die.





	Save Me

It started off so well  
They said we made a perfect pair  
I clothed myself in your glory and your love  
How I loved you  
How I cried.

My god life sucked ass. My newest romance had just gone down in flames with a nice shit storm of abuse he brought down upon me. I, Ms. Lizzie Hammond, the lady who was a complete hardass when it came to love. I guess it had been brewing for a long time. Asshole would string me along with a series of false promises with barely concealed contempt for me. I wanted genuine love and affection though apparently that was too much for this jerk. He didn’t have the balls to say it all nicely so he pinned all the blame of absolutely everything on my shoulders. 

He blamed me for the fact that he was missing work(I knew that was a lie; his heroin addiction did that), didn’t have enough money to marry me(and yet still had enough money for his dealer), that kind of thing. I was tired of his bullshit, called him out on it, then told him if he didn’t have the balls to end it that I would. 

The asshole had apparently enough balls to manhandle me hard enough so I had bruises on my neck and chest. He tried to fucking strangle me! I was shocked and would have died if the bartender hadn’t come to my rescue. He threw my now ex out, offered to call me a ride home which I accepted. The flat that the boys and I shared wasn’t far but I didn’t want to walk home, feeling very exposed and vulnerable. 

In the flat I went, nearly tripping over Roger’s jacket he left on the back of a chair which had fallen to the floor. Angrily I hung it up, went into the living room then flopped down on the couch. I picked up the TV remote but didn’t use it. There was nothing to see. My vision had become cloudy due to unshed tears so I chose to shed them; reminding myself that my mom always said to let that emotion out so I could heal from it. 

After a few minutes I felt somewhat better then glanced at the clock. The boys would be arriving back from their gig in about twenty minutes and I did not want them to see me so stirred up. In the bathroom I went, mopping my face so I would not arouse any suspicion from them. Freddie and John shared a room, Brian and Roger had the other one, and I had the only private bedroom in the flat. It wasn’t a bad situation between 5 college students all things considered. 

I went to my room, shedding the miniskirt and black satin shirt I had been wearing, kicked off my heels and rolled up my nylons. Sitting down on the bed I pulled my diary out from the nightstand and wrote out my heartbreak on those small white pages. Roger once mocked me for keeping a diary as I didn’t usually keep it a secret, but I didn’t care what he thought. It was therapy and I needed it. The one person who didn’t outright mock me or gently poke fun at it(as Brian and Freddie sometimes did), was John. He was the sensitive one. 

Just in time the band came home and I finished my entry. Dating it, I heard the boys coming in from their gig, all rowdy and riled up. Freddie in the lead, Brian brought up the rear as John hung up his jacket, Roger sprawled out on the couch as I made my entrance. 

“I didn’t think you’d be back so early, Liz,” Freddie glanced at me as he got himself a beer, handing one over to Roger and Brian. “did it go OK?”

“No,” I sighed, accepting the beer he handed me. “we ended it.” 

“Oh damn! What happened?”

“The asshole decided to make me his scapegoat, Bri,” I answered shortly. “all of the sudden I was to blame for all of the wrongs in his life.” 

“That’s an asshole thing to do,” even Roger empathized with me on that one. “fucker, right? You’ll find someone better!” 

“In time she will. Don’t go rushing into a new relationship, right, Liz?” Freddie took my hand and gave me a big hug. “I know it’s tough going.” 

“Tough doesn’t begin to cover it, Freddie,” I pulled my t-shirt down. “look at what he did to me.” 

“God! I’ll beat the living fuck out of him if he comes near you again!” he told me seriously as the others came up to me for a look. My bruise was pretty impressive in the low light; tomorrow it would be even worse. 

“How dare he treat a woman like that!” Brian.

“If he ever shows his face around us, let me and Freddie know and we’ll beat him up.” Roger offered, putting his arm on my shoulders. 

“It wouldn’t do you know, matching violence for violence,” I told the blonde. “but thanks for the offer. Karma is coming for him. He’s a heroin addict and cops lead raids all the time. He’ll get what’s coming to him I’m sure.” 

“Just the same. I don’t like the fact he hurt you.” 

“You’re not alone in that fact.” Brian took my hand as Freddie gave me a kiss on the cheek. “When you hurt we hurt.” 

“Thanks, guys,” I noticed John hadn’t gotten in on the little love and support fest but that wasn’t his style. “I need to turn in.” 

“So should we. Good night, Liz.” 

“Night, boys.” 

In my room I immediately turned off the lights, put my robe away and got into bed. A brief tap on the door sounded then someone entered without my saying so. My bed sagged down a little bit as the person sat down on the edge of it and I knew one of the boys was staring at me. It wasn’t Roger; he liked to make an entrance by throwing the door open wide and proclaiming his presence. Brian usually turned a light on and Freddie would knock, peer in and ask if it was OK to come in. 

“Liz?” it was John. It was very dark that night so we couldn’t see each other but I felt his eyes on me somehow. “You couldn’t have fallen asleep that quickly.” 

“No,” I agreed. “what’s on your mind, John?” 

“I should ask what’s on yours.” 

“I already told you about it. I’m exhausted and need to be up early for my premed class tomorrow.” 

“Are you really sure that you’re OK?” John insisted. “That kind of bullshit you’ve just been through is traumatizing.” 

Then it made sense why John didn’t act all mother hen in front of the other guys; they’d take the piss out of him for it. John was easily the most sensitive of all of us so he would worry a little more if any one of us was ill or hurt or even just stressed. With me he was more physically demonstrative as he was fond of taking my hands. 

I sighed. Sleep was my refuge and I didn’t want to go for too long without it. “For all purposes John, I am not OK. I have been traumatized and I won’t get over it any time soon. I’ll come and get you when I want to talk, all right?” 

“I hope you do.” I could see the worry in his eyes as he put a hand on my shoulder. I wasn’t in the mood really for his gesture but not to alienate him I put my hand on top of his. 

“I will, I swear. I just need sleep now.” my voice began to show the strain that it was under, a little higher and thinner than usual. John noted this as I was sure nothing ever escaped his notice, but he chose not to question it.

“All right then,” my friend acquiesced. “I hope you at least have good dreams tonight.” 

“Me too. Thanks, John.” 

“You’re welcome.” he pecked me on the cheek and left my room.

**  
The years of care and loyalty  
Were nothing but a sham it seems  
The years belie we lived a lie  
I’ll love you til I die.

Over the next few months I slogged through my premed classes as usual but a deep depression began to haunt me. I stopped going out at nights, preferring instead to focus on my classes and schoolwork. Freddie, Roger and Brian didn’t notice how withdrawn I had become which was probably for the better. Their ways of cheering me up usually brought some kind of liquor into the mix which was a bad idea. I never subscribed to the theory that booze made anything better. Besides I was a premed student and I knew that alcohol was a depressant and made depression much worse. 

John must have noticed something. He knew a lot more or at least suspected a lot more than what was really going on externally. When I wasn’t at classes or doing homework I was usually found in my room or on the couch sleeping. Probably all of them suspected something going on but nobody ever mentioned anything. I had been asleep on the couch when I heard Brian talking to Freddie in a low voice. “Liz looks really tired lately and she’s lost some weight.” 

“We can’t do anything about that, Brian. She’s an adult and can take care of herself.” Freddie respected my boundaries more than anyone else. He never worried about me too much and knew that I hated it when people were intrusive. Brian was a worrier, John less so and Roger didn’t seem to worry much at all. 

One evening I had been walking up the stairs to the apartment with my arms loaded with groceries when I heard the four of them talking about me. 

“Liz has become almost reclusive. I don’t remember the last time I saw her smile.” Freddie reported. “Has anyone else noticed anything about her? She’s changed a lot.” 

“Now that you mention it I can’t remember the last time I saw her actually go out and enjoy herself anymore. She doesn’t even go to the movies or the student union.” Roger. 

“Seems like all she does now is sleep,” Brian. “I came in yesterday and saw her sacked out on the couch though it was only around 3. Her classes shouldn’t be tiring her out so easily. Maybe she’s sick?” 

“If she is we’ll have to take her to the campus doctor or nurse.” John mused. “I think it’s just the stress though. Luckily we have a week off starting Monday. Liz isn’t going anywhere that I know of.” 

“We need to keep an eye on her. I don’t want her ending up in the hospital because of overwork.” Freddie decided to a chorus of agreement. 

Well that was just great. They finally noticed my depression. I hung about in the hallway for another ten minutes or so to give them the impression that I hadn’t overheard them, opened up the door, then put the grocery items away. The four of them didn’t look up as I entered which made me think that they were going to start interrogating me about my health. 

“You guys are quiet for once,” I said carelessly. “I’m going to get caught up on my studies.” 

“I thought all you did was study,” Roger was so to the point and blunt it drove people mad. “you’re going to make yourself sick from all of your overwork.” he was stretched out on the couch with Freddie at one end; both of them giving me such piercing looks I felt like they were reading my soul. 

“Hasn’t happened yet.” I made for my room but Brian blocked me. 

“Why don’t you come down to the student union tonight with us? There’s a lecture going on that you might enjoy.” he tried. 

“Ugh. I don’t feel like going out even if it meant extra credit.” an unexpected pain shot through my right side and I flinched, putting my hand to the spot. Brian and John both noticed my expression, the latter coming to my side. 

“What is it?” Roger and Freddie stood up almost in unison and began to approach me. The pain ebbed and faded away so I removed my hand from my side. I had no idea what that pain signified as it wasn’t localized. Probably stress related. 

“I don’t know.” everyone’s eyes were on me now. “Indigestion or something.” 

“Right. Do you feel sick? Your eyes are bloodshot.” John lightly touched his hand to my forehead which I gave a little grin to. He was so reassuring in his own way and even Brian was sweet in his own concern for me. 

“They are?” 

“Look at yourself.” my eyes were indeed bloodshot. Roger came over to stare at me and irritated, I motioned him away. Roger had studied biology so his mindset was the closest to mine. Neither one of us thought that I was sick or had anything serious. He could take a pulse and check someone’s heartbeat and rhythm but that was about it. Two pairs of blue eyes studied me like I was an interesting speciman but I wasn’t having any of it. 

“I’m heading to bed,” I said wearily. “goodnight, boys.” 

“It’s only 7!” Freddie exclaimed, coming right up to me and giving me the once over with his eyes. “Are you sure that you’re all right?” he clasped a hand to my forehead. “You don’t feel warm at all.” 

“Now that I see you more clearly in the light Liz, your lips look pale,” Roger gazed at me with some concern in his eyes. Even Roger could tell something was wrong with me! I wasn’t hiding it very well at all. Mentally I decided to buy some lip gloss with tinted color so that he wouldn’t get in my business. “you must be anemic.” 

“Mild anemia,” I dismissed. “everyone gets stressed out with exams.” that shooting pain in my side came again but I refused to acknowledge it in front of everyone. Pride went before a fall but fortunately I didn’t think that I would fall. Everyone looked like they wanted to say something but didn’t know how to phrase it so I wouldn’t get offended. 

“All right,” John spoke up. He had been leaning against the kitchen countertop casually, not wanting to make me feel like I was penned in. All four of them knew being in small spaces or surrounded by people triggered my claustrophobia “go to sleep, Liz and I’ll check on you in the morning.” the others backed off, Roger giving me a searching glance. 

They were going to check on me periodically during the night. I knew how they operated. Even Roger had a streak of mother hen in his nature and he was likely to fret over me if I really did turn out sick. Into my red nightshirt I went, took my dirty blonde hair down from its French braid, brushed my teeth and went to bed. 

More pain awaited me as soon as I lay down. The physical pain was nothing compared to my mental pain. Each day became interminable; just something to get through until I could go to sleep at night and take my temporary route out of consciousness; just to lie for awhile without a care in the world became the only thing that I desired anymore. 

We as people became conditioned fairly quickly that all we needed was the ideal mate and that we would be happy. Society fed us their bullshit expectations-you need to get married, have kids and you’ll be so nauseatingly happy! It was all a fucking lie! Of course society would never tell you that you’ll have an indefinite number of heartbreaks and crushed dreams to burden yourself with in the process. No wonder why so many people got depressed or just went loony tunes as they grew up. 

Life was a burden. It was a burden that I didn’t really care about anymore. Maybe this illness was going to be my final one. Live or die; it was all the same to me. There was no love and my life just didn’t feel like it was worth it to me anymore. I had decided almost 3 weeks ago that I didn’t care about living. Now it felt like my personal neglect was finally coming to a head. 

About an hour later I hadn’t been able to fall asleep due to it being too early but my eyes were closed as I felt a warmth starting in my head and my cheeks soon followed. Great I was developing a fever. There really was something wrong with me. Roger would know what to do at least. 

“Liz?” I hadn’t heard the knock at my door. I kept my eyes closed, wanting to discourage any kind of conversation. A shaft of light came in through my ajar door as Freddie came into the room. He didn’t turn on a light which wasn’t like him but maybe he had better night vision than the others. When I didn’t reply to him, he sat on the edge of my bed and turned on the lamp on my desk. 

“Time to wake up. Don’t make me get Roger,” Freddie put his hand to my forehead again and quickly swore as he felt the heat rising. “fuck me, you’re really sick!” he went out to the living room, summoning Roger.

“What is it, Freddie?” 

“It’s Liz-she’s burning up.” 

“Is she really? Let me have a look.” Roger trying to doctor me would have been funny if I didn’t feel so lousy. It was how I met him; through a prerequisite biology class and we both had completed our first aid courses at the same time. 

“She looks bad, Freddie,” Roger took Freddie’s place at the edge of the bed as he picked up my hand. “have we got a thermometer handy?”

“Right here.” Brian brought one in. I didn’t have to have my eyes open to know that the entire band was in my room now. Someone grasped my free hand; it must have been John. 

“Liz?” Roger tried to rouse me. More shooting pain in my side made me gasp and open my eyes up a little bit. “Hey, good evening,” a little attempt at humor didn’t disguise the fact that he and the others were concerned about my health. “I just want to check your temperature, all right?” 

“Right.” 

“It’s bad but not as bad as it could be,” Roger held the instrument up to the light. “your fever is 102. Do you hurt anywhere specific?”

“No.” another flare of pain left me breathless. There was no hiding how bad it felt this time; I cried out in pain which startled everyone. Turning over to face Roger I curled up on my side yet didn’t let go of John’s hand. “Oh god!” 

“Stress,” the blonde pronounced, blue eyes glinting in the low light. “you’re going to need some medication to get your fever down. Are you allergic to anything?”

“No.” I could see that Brian was in my desk chair, Freddie was sitting on the desk, and John was where I had predicted, on the other side of my bed with my hand in his. He saw me looking, gave me a little smile, but his worry showed right through his features. Roger had managed to find my stethoscope and was wielding it like he would actually use it. 

More pain flared that left me breathless for a moment. I glanced at Roger with my chest heaving as the pain subsided. “I’m going to check your pulse and heart rate. Try to slow your breathing so it’ll be more accurate.” I knew the routine so I tried to get my breathing back down to normal. 

“Ready?” Roger picked up my free hand, his fingers on my radial pulse in my wrist. “It’s about 94. I’ll just check your heart rate now.” he slid the disk down on my left breast, frowning in concentration as he listened. “It’s normal.” 

“Done showing off now?” I dryly teased. 

“You must be starting to feel better if you can insult me,” Roger smirked as he put my stethoscope back. “I’ll get some fever reducer for you to take. Do we have any, Brian?”

“We don’t. John finished it off when he had that strep infection.” 

“I’ll pop down to the corner store and get some then,” Freddie volunteered, hopping off my desk. He put his hand briefly on my hand that John held. “let’s get you well again!” 

Brian put another blanket over me as Roger stood up. “We’ll be in the next room if you need anything, Liz. Freddie will give you the medicine when he comes back.” 

“Right.” they left the room. John gave me a long knowing look, then rose, closed the blinds and left the room as my eyelids started closing. 

Save me, save me, save me  
I can’t face this life alone  
Save me, save me, save me  
I’m naked and far from home.

Over the night I could feel my temperature rising along with my depression. I think at some point Freddie gave me some medicine to take but I didn’t think that it would make my fever disappear. The rest of the night evaporated into some feverish oblivion that I couldn’t make any sense of. 

Morning dawned and with it the sensation that the meds hadn’t made a difference. The next two days and nights were very dim and hazy in my mind but I had managed to gather enough information from people talking that the campus doctor was coming in to see me. 

Terrific. I was an official “case”. Briefly I heard John’s murmuring outside my door along with Roger’s higher pitched voice discussing me. “The doctor’s going to come in soon and take a look at her. Last night was so fucking long.” 

“I know,” John sympathized. “when is the doctor coming in?”

“Within the next 20 minutes or so.” 

When the doctor came I wasn’t conscious enough to remember much of anything. Touch was the only thing I could clearly remember. Someone was prodding me definitely, I had a sudden bout with chills, like there was an ice block sliding all over me. Some pain flared up but it wasn’t as bad as before which was something that I could be happy about at least. 

Some time later I could remember John’s face looming in my field of vision. He was saying something that I couldn’t understand but it didn’t matter as I suddenly got very cold. Warm arms picked me up and only half conscious I had a hallucination that someone was taking me someplace freezing like the Arctic. The hallucination appeared to be real to me as I was plunged into a very cold lake. 

My ex loomed up in my feverish dreams. At one point he was embracing me, telling me that it would be all right for the both of us, the next he was scorning me, refusing the love that I had freely given. The dreams kept repeating themselves over and over until I was sick of it then my ex started slapping me around again. I tried to fight him but it was too much; I sank to my knees and didn’t recognize myself in a shard of a broken mirror. 

I was as good as dead. If I had stayed any longer he would have killed me. Was I dead then? Were all these hallucinations my reality? Was I damned because I failed to stop a disease from killing me? 

The slate will soon be clean  
I’ll erase the memories  
To start again with someone new  
Was it all wasted  
All that love?

“No!” frantic now I mentally clawed my way back to reality. My eyes quickly adjusted to the dark as a slat of light from the street shone down across me. The window shades were up which was funny; I thought John had just closed them. 

“Liz!” Roger hissed. “It’s all right!” 

“Oh god!” I had become hysterical. 

“Liz, you’ll make yourself even sicker if you don’t calm down,” he told me quietly. “you’ve been hallucinating all day.” 

“Doesn’t matter,” tears welled up in my eyes which was something none of the boys had ever seen before. 

“You’re really upset, Liz,” he looked stunned. “what did you see?” 

With all my guards down I told Roger what had happened between me and my ex, culminating in the odd hallucination that I’d just had. I did leave out all the depression stuff-he wasn’t the type of person I would be comfortable unburdening myself to mentally. Wordlessly Roger sat on the bed next to me, pulling me in his arms, giving me the comfort I sorely needed. He listened to all I had to say, offered words of support, dabbing my fallen tears away in the process.

“Why didn’t you tell us any of this?” Roger immediately demanded when I was done. “We would understand, Liz, and we would have protected you! We always do!” 

“Is everyone all right in here?” Freddie knocked at the door. 

“I need to talk to you in a sec, Fred,” Roger gently told me to go to sleep. “it’s all right. You’ll be all right now.” he gave me the medicine the doctor had prescribed and then asked everyone into the room as I closed my eyes. 

“What’s going on here, Rog?” Brian sat down near me on the bed. “She looks worse than before.” Brian’s cool hand brushed across my cheek; I turned into his caress, enjoying it a little bit. “There’s a switch. She didn’t like being touched a few hours ago.” 

Freddie leaned in to inspect me for himself. “Let me see, Bri,” he put a hand up to my forehead, leaving it there for a long moment. “looks like the drugs are working finally. She’s cooler than before and doesn’t seem to mind being touched now.” 

“That can wait,” Roger told them what I had just said and hallucinated. “I’m shocked, that’s all that I can say really.” 

“You aren’t the only one,” John’s voice was barely recognizable. It was so dark and angry I thought that even the others did a double take. The laid back one in the group was pretty laid back and mild mannered so hearing him get mad was something in itself. “Fucker.” 

“Why didn’t she tell us any of this?” 

“I don’t know, all right? There are many mysteries that I just don’t know about,” Roger shrugged. “I’m glad she did. We can ask her questions later when she recovers.” 

“Yeah, save it for later,” Brian agreed. “it’ll keep.” 

“I’ll take the watch now,” Freddie volunteered, sitting on the bed with me. “has she taken all of her medicine?”

“Yeah she has.” 

“Good. Look at that.” I instinctively got closer to Freddie. His fingers brushed my hair aside. “Can you hear me, darling?” 

“Don’t go away.” 

“Never fear.” Freddie’s strong arms surrounded me, relaxing me more. “She’s still in shock and sick which is a bad combination. I’ll be with her tonight. You three go get some rest as well. I’m not having any of you get sick either.” 

“Right. Keep her safe, Freddie.” Roger’s voice was so soft I had trouble discerning that it was indeed him who spoke. 

“Sleep tight, darlin’,” Freddie said very softly into my ear. “I’m here for you.” 

“Freddie,” I moaned quietly as a twinge of pain in my right side flared. 

“I know, you’re still in pain. You can fight. You can win.” he encouraged me. “Sleep.” 

**

I hang my head and I advertise  
A soul for sale or rent  
I have no heart I’m cold inside  
I have no real intent

Each night I cry I still believe the lie  
I’ll love you til I die.

Morning dawned brightly, the rays of sunshine awakened me. I felt almost normal; no uncomfortable heat in my cheeks anymore. There wasn’t any more pain to speak of. Opening one eye I saw the entire band had camped out in my room. Freddie was on the bed with me and I was cuddled up with him so we were cheek to cheek, John was on the opposite side of Freddie, Brian and Roger had both dragged in armchairs from the living room and were camped out in them. 

It was so sweet. I leaned over and bestowed a little kiss on Freddie’s cheek in gratitude. He gave no sign of waking up but none was needed. I felt a strong drowsiness start pulling on my consciousness as I saw John start to stir.

Hours later I was greeted by Brian at my side who beamed at me. “Welcome back, Liz. God, you scared us a few times.” 

“Sorry.” he just chuckled.

“Don’t be. You didn’t mean to.” Brian helped me to sit up a little bit. “Are you hungry at all?”

“Yeah but what I could do with is a shower. I feel gross.” 

“I bet. Do you remember much of the past couple of days?” 

“No, not much. I remember a freezing cold sensation and dreamt I fell into an icy lake.” 

Brian giggled. “John was attempting to get your fever down so he gave you a lukewarm bath.” 

“Was that it? Gosh I must have been out of it.” 

“You were out of it completely. We all took turns caring for you and you really threw a scare into us I think it was yesterday morning. Your fever got dangerously high.” 

“That’s when I had my most disturbing hallucinations.” 

“I bet,” he put it mildly enough but I gathered that it had been really bad and hard on all three of them. “shall I help you?” Brian assisted me to stand up on my rubbery legs, grabbed a change of clothes, then set them on the bathroom countertop. “Call me if you need me.” he left me to it. 

My muscles were slightly atrophied but I managed to fend for myself without any embarrassment. When I was done Brian gave me a light breakfast and left for his study group. Freddie, Roger and John were out carousing somewhere but they would be back soon. 

There wasn’t anything for me to do but grasp a good book and read it. I remembered my diary, pulled it out, then was shocked to see there were four different entries each in a different hand. The boys had found it and were playing with me again. I had to smile at their mischief making. 

“Day one-Roger. Liz has become sick and I’m in charge of her medically, seeing as I’m the only one with any training. Her fever started at 102 and has remained constant for several hours. Hopefully this is only a flu bug and will pass soon. Also demonstrates some nonspecific pain which can be stress related. Liz has been overdoing it in her classes (we all noticed), and she has not been keeping herself healthy. Pulse steady, regular.

“Day two-Brian. Liz’s fever has escalated up to 104 which is borderline dangerous. Roger put in a call to the campus doctor who will be here tomorrow. Liz needs fluids but it’s getting difficult to give her any due to the fever. She’s at risk of becoming dehydrated and has become delirious. Our friend continues to deteriorate though we all keep a very close eye on her. Roger warns us that if the temperature goes up any more she could go into seizures. 

“Day three-John. Liz’s fever has become dangerously high and in spite of the doctor being confident that she will recover, I confess I find myself becoming pessimistic about the outcome. Her fever has to come down so I remembered something my mother would do to me when I was sick. For Liz I gave her a lukewarm bath in hopes her fever would come down some. I felt so bad when I was doing it, as the water was barely warm and she was shivering the whole time. Later on that night Liz had some sort of nightmare or hallucination which roused her from her lethargy enough to tell Roger what was on her mind. We had no idea the situation with her ex boyfriend had gotten so bad-she never said a word! 

“Day four-Freddie. Liz confided to Roger what was going on in her mind. It must have been a tremendous effort on her part considering how sick she was. The four of us had no idea how bad it had been but we didn’t want to dwell on it. What Liz really needed was comfort and I was the first person to give it to her! There’s always a line when Liz needed comfort so I got on the bed with her, folded her up in my arms, then fell asleep right there and then. Roger woke me in the early hours of the morning after he and Brian had dragged in armchairs to kip in, telling me that Liz’s fever was lessening. I could swear at some point John, who tends to be more in tune with his emotions than we are, had tears in his eyes. I never poke fun at him for that though.” 

I giggled to myself as I found those entries. Freddie indeed never took the piss out of someone for being emotional. He was more the peacemaker as Roger and Brian tended to spar with each other. 

For the rest of the day I alternated between reading, stretching my sore muscles, and catnapping. I needed a lot of rest to recover and build up my stamina again. 

Around 6 PM when the boys were due back I was sleeping easily on my bed when the doorknob turned, squeaking loudly enough to rouse me. I stood in the doorframe of my room as the four came into the flat, arms bogged down with miscellaneous items like bookwork, groceries, etc. 

“Well, look who’s up!” Freddie drawled happily. 

“Yeah I’m up but not for long. My legs are pretty wobbly.” Brian greeted me with a kiss on the cheek, handing over a get well card with four scrawled messages inside it. 

“Liz-get well soon so you can study hard and become our band doctor when we hit the road and become internationally famous. Love you lots, Freddie,” I read out loud with a laugh. “here’s to a happy, hopefully quick recovery from your illness, love Brian. Gosh I love the short and sweet messages. To Liz from Roger; you were the best patient I ever had except for your tendency to be dramatic!” Roger started laughing. “Oh fuck you, Taylor! Liz, sorry I had to douse you with cold water in order to get you well again, love Deacy. Aw, thank you guys.” 

I crossed over to the kitchen bar stool and sat down, welcoming hugs and kisses from the boys as John presented to me a flower bouquet he’d already put in water for me. “Oh I love lilies!” I gave John a kiss on the lips for his thoughtfulness. “thank you so much!” he turned crimson which made me wonder if John had a little crush on me or maybe it was because he was a shy guy in general. 

“Let’s get supper on! Are you hungry, Liz?” 

“Starving, Roger!” 

“A very good sign! I hearby pronounce you in full recovery mode!” 

My recovery was uneventful, I had to work a little harder to get my muscles back into shape but I persevered. Roger had designated himself my personal physical therapist, helping me stretch my muscles out and rebuilding my stamina. Freddie had taken to cozying up with me on the couch when we watched TV together as he seemed to really like cuddling with me. It was all platonic of course, and Brian seemed to have an idea to distract me from overworking myself by teaching me a bit of astronomy at nights. It was actually entertaining as he had been teaching me the constellations. 

As for John, he hadn’t changed at all. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, seemingly resilient on the outside but to me it seemed like he’d withdrawn from me. Maybe my illness had shaken him up and he didn’t know what to do regarding me anymore. Then it dawned on me. All of the others had been monopolizing my free time and John didn’t know what to do or how to interest me in what he liked to do. 

I had to wait to get him alone. In the meantime Roger was helping me stretch with some yoga that he’d been taught. I leaned back while he took my arm and told me to gently pull on his hand. I wanted to mention John’s aloofness regarding me but chances were Roger had no idea what his friend was doing. 

No way would I draw attention to John like that. I waited until Freddie, Brian and Roger went out with their friends and I got John alone in the flat. He was sitting on the couch reading a book when I entered, wearing my blue jeans and red t-shirt. 

“John?”

“Yes, Liz?” 

“I want to talk to you, how about putting that away, yes?”

“All right. What do you want to talk about?” 

“You don’t talk to me anymore. Not since I got sick. Did I do something wrong?” 

“Not at all. You can’t help getting sick. It happens.” I was getting nowhere fast. 

“Why have you been avoiding me?” I asked flat out, no room for error. 

“You’re turning into Roger.” 

“Answer me.” he was so quiet for a long moment, taking my hands like he did when I was ill. “Oh! You felt helpless watching me suffer and there wasn’t a thing you could do about it.” 

“Precisely. I noticed before you even got sick how you changed. You lost that spark in your eye, you didn’t really talk to us. I didn’t know what to do.” 

“Did you think I was mad at you?”

“No.” his blue eyes locked onto mine. “But you changed. I don’t know how to bridge the gap.” 

“Well, someone has to try. The reason I was so withdrawn, John, was because of the fact after my ex threw me away I became seriously depressed. I wasn’t targeting anyone; I just lost the pleasure in living.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. When I got sick I thought that would be the end to all my troubles. I would just let the illness kill me and that was it.” I felt myself go cold at me talking about my deepest most troubled thoughts. John paled a little bit as he reached for me. “That’s why it got so bad. I didn’t want to heal.” 

“I thought something was off! Call me crazy if you want but on a more spiritual level there was something amiss.” 

“Are you spiritual, John?”

“More than I would care to admit. I just knew something was off. It was like you lost a part of yourself.” 

“I did,” John allowed me to put my head in his lap. “I think the others sense it a little bit too. That’s why they’re involving me more in their activities and mine. It’s fine, I don’t mind it, but there’s no room for you right now.” 

“What do you suggest?” here was an opening and I seized it. 

“How about you come and see me for an hour after I turn in for the night just to talk?”

“Fine. Do you feel depressed now?” he stroked my hair.

“I feel more hopeful. You?”

“I’m still shell shocked really that you would even consider death. I just want you to promise me not to go that far again.” 

“I will swear that.” 

“Good.” 

“So what do you think of-” I was cut off very abruptly when John zeroed in on my lips and planted a big one right there. He wasn’t prone to the impulsiveness that described Roger perfectly so this was something new. I returned the kiss in the same manner. When he lifted his lips off of mine I flopped back on the bed with a grin. “where have you been all my life?” 

He blushed red. “Am I that obvious?”

“To me you are. When you all thought you would lose me your attachment to me in many ways became more apparent after I got well. It’s natural.” 

“I don’t want to see you so sick ever again. You scared us so much. All of us were fearing for your life.” 

“You were?”

“The others won’t say anything about it but I will. Roger was the most worried that you’d die. Freddie was more optimistic, Brian not so much. I was in the middle. You came so close to death, Liz. It was horrible for us to just sit and watch you decline so fast.” 

“What are you thinking now?”

“Life is a fragile thing and we didn’t think it was possible for one of us to die until you very nearly did. All of us were in shock at that point and when I looked after you I mentally prayed that you would be all right.” 

“Your prayer was answered. Though I have to say I thought my time was up when I hallucinated that I had died. I told Roger everything just so I’d have no secrets when I passed.” John clutched at my hands, needing that tactile reassurance just as much as I did. 

“Don’t forget that we need you too.” 

“From now on I won’t.” I promised. “How about a date?” John laughed a little shakily as he leaned down again and gave me a kiss. 

Save me, save me, save me  
Don’t let me face my life alone  
Save me, save me, save me  
I’m naked and far from home

THE END


End file.
